Jack's Script Writing Audition

If you want to see Chapter 5: go to page 2, and look at the bottom. VS Onix.

I'm going to be brief for now (because I'm tired and lazy).
First of all, I'd prefer if you auditioned with a whole chapter, just because it gives a better idea. Also, for the sake of convenience and ease of formatting, please write the audition on a word processor and upload it and provide a link. And follow the format shown in the existant scripts: for example, quotation marks are unnecessary, character names should be bold, etc. And, for your 'real audition' where all of that is implemented, I'd prefer you did a chapter not already scripted. That is, chapter 3 onwards, preferrably 3 or 4 (although, admittedly, chapter 2 hasn;t been officially stated to have been scripted, but it has . . .).

As for what you wrote, here's what I think: there are a lot of occasions at which there is a lack of direction for the VAs. they're not stupid, but interpretations are different, and it is your job as scripter to direct how the lines are to be said. I minor comment: I think "Bul-ba-saur" is saur's line, not red's >_>

I haven;t actually looked into SFX. At all. I think you're being inspecific in general about SFX, but I don't really know. Also, the time spent gathering the pokemon again is a good time to put in scenes as 'filler' to be added or left as necessary to fill our 18 mins.

It was a good effort; hope you try with a full chapter sometime.

No comment

It's a fair attempt, but it's not up to the standard that the scripts need to be. It's messy and hard to read through as well. I still feel there's more description of the events than direction on how to say the lines, and if that was what was needed, they could just read the chapter.

I think it might be beneficial for you to read my attempt at chapter 2 and the feedback that was given to it in this thread.

Assuming you still want to script, it's up to you whether to improve on your ch2 audition or submit a later chapter. personally, I would prefer you tried another chapter, particularly 3-4.

@Supernova,
I took a look at your script. Are you sure it's working? To tell you the truth, I use a different Microsoft Word. Yours is 2003 just as mines is 2000. I think it's best if I did mines on this one. If I did try to box.net again, you will tell me it's small to see.

Okay, I'll try box.net one more time. Give me thirty minutes to try and put it on the site.

I didn't say it was too small ... I said it was messy and hard to read. I don't know (since you removed the link), but I think that was down to a lack of spacing and a compact font style.

As for what you've done for ch. 3, I can;t critique fully, sicne i don;t remember the chapter well adn with my internet as it is, I can't read the chapter online.

However, I feel that you're not taking the advice I've given on board. The format isn;t consistant with ch1/ch2 scripts. Furthermore, there isn;t any direction on hwo to say the lines. As I've said before, if someone wanted to know the lines and what happens, they cna just read the chapter. A scripter's job is to give the VAs a script which directs them on how to say the lines as well as presenting them in a familiar and readable format.

The other issue is that you write too much description. It's like you're trying to write prose and forcing it into script form. The description of the scene and what happens is mostly up to the storyboarders. We scripters onyl need to bother with some minor description so that the VAs get the gist of what is happening. Also, referring to Green as 'boy' is excessively confusing: a VA is going to be reading this, and they'll be looking for their lines as 'Green'. And all this vague description of pokémon rather than identifying them is unecessarily flamboyant.

It's better than it could be, but it needs work, to be blunt.

Okay, I'm going to give box.net a try one more time.

box.net box.netfnpgtdshrh
If it's messy, then just download it. Everything from boy and the boy is sometimes replaced with Green. And there are bold spots with SFX. And the * icon will give an extra juice.

All I can say is, you're failing to do what is the most important thing needed of a scripter. All the directions you give are telling the reader what happens. You need to include a lot of directions on how the VA should say their lines.

So, what you're saying that I should get rid of everything that that's happening? Keep the ones that the characters are saying, and not what happens?

That's not quite what I mean. I mean you want to use less directions to explain what is happening, and more direction to tell the VAs how to say a line, e.g. "excitedly", or "uninterested".

I will likely not be here for a while, so I leave the criticism of your auditions in the skilful hands of the new recruit ;D

Use Less Directions to explain what is happening, and more directions to tell the VAs how to say a line, e.g. "excitedly", or "uninterested".

That all sounds easy.

box.net box.net4bljazlxvv
I guess I can do that. Course there's no explaining what's happening or how the characters act and react during a scene.

sorry red the knight, just a personal preference but could you rename your title to something that does not directly refer this as the official episode 3 script? I mean, everytime I come over to this page when I saw the title I thought, "oh the new script is out." but it turns out that everytime it's just an audition. It's also good to rename your topic as something that tells us that this is an audition so that there wouldn't be confusion when the real episode 3 script is uploaded. (like for example, skillfulness calls his topic, " Audition: Episode 3 Script" so that we know that it is in fact an audition and not the actual script set in stone.)

Okay, I had that coming. It will now be, "Jack's Script Writing Audition." My kind of writing work to help out with the Pokemon Adventures, and show that I am a Story Writer.

Thanks, it's gonna be easier to identify from now on>W<

@Aki11: *coughimagirlcough* But while I'm still addressing your post, Supernova has approved my audition as the episode 3 script... In case anyone cared about this part of the anime

@Red_the_knight: So my first review is lost in cyberspace, but Supernova wanted me to help with auditions while he's away (heh, skillful hands). Time to critique! I'm not sure that Supernova meant you should get rid of everything in between. In fact, you've stripped the script down to its basics. All you've got is what the character is going to say and when they're going to say it. A script is more than that. The biggest issue I see is that you need to give more directions to the voice actors so they know how to sound! For example:

"Red: (teasing) I didn't know we had to dress up!"

The key part you're missing is the "(teasing)". You need to let the VA know how to express the emotions their character is feeling. How will so-and-so respond when such-and-such happens? Take the emotions of the character or how they’d feel in the situation they're in and sum up how they should sound. Does that make any sense? The best thing you can do is look at Rainbow Munchies' critique and look at her actual script. Base your own scriptwriting off of that and then it'll be great!